Welcome to the forum forum from another US Bang and Olufsen fan. It is normal for the remote to be extra. Up until recently they were included free but no longer, they must now be purchased.
As for using the Beo 4, it does not need any programming by the dealer to control the Beosound 9000. There may be an "option" that needs to be set on the 10-46 and/or the 9000, depending on how the two are connected, or not connected. This is done using the Beo 4.
Option settings should be explained in the user guide to the 10-46.
Beovision 7-55 with Beolab 7-4, 9s and 4000s
Beovision 10-40 with Beolab 1s and 6000s
Beosound 1, 5, 2000, and 3000
Beotime, Beotalk, Beocoms